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When Kids Come Out of The Closet: What to say and do when a student tells you he's gay

When Kids Come Out of The Closet: What to say and do when a student tells you he's gay

"Everything that people have been telling me is that God is going to send me to hell," explains Ron, a high school senior from Orlando, Fla. "They say the Bible says men aren't supposed to play with men, and they're supposed to do something with girls, or something like that. I don't believe all that the Bible says. So, will I go to hell or won't I?"

Tough question. Even tougher to answer when you consider the struggle Ron faces as a 19-year-old who is ridiculed for his sexuality. Classmates taunt him. Teachers ignore him.

"People at school say things to my face like, 'You're a faggot,' and that I'm sleeping together with other guys," Ron continues. "I don't care what they say. I don't have any male friends at school. Me and girls relate more to things. I don't care what people think about me. I just go on." But just going on isn't easy when jeers from classmates such as "queer", "lesbo", "fag" and "dyke" sear students' self-esteem, even though like Ron, they try to shrug off the pain of rejection with an I-don't-care attitude.

Young people scarred by molestation and family violence or duped by the moral apathy in our society often push their sexual curiosity to the limit. These kids are especially vulnerable to the pro-gay information being disseminated on high school campuses.

Signs of the Times

In some schools the homosexual power symbol, an upside down pink triangle, is as popular on books bags and flannel shirts as the peace sign of the '70s. Teachers around the country - like those at Portland's (Ore.) Grant High - attend sensitivity training sessions to learn about homosexuality and bisexuality. In 1993, Massachusetts passed a historic gay- and lesbian-rights law that led the way for state-funded school programs on homosexuality.

It's increasingly common for gay and lesbian lovers to escort each other to the prom or hold hands in the school hallways. It's a time when thousands of American teens are banding together to form gay and lesbian youth alliances to explore and celebrate their sexual identities.

According to a November 1993 Newsweek article entitled "Tune In, Come Out", "....more students seem to be coming out [about their homosexuality], and they're coming out younger. A climate of greater tolerance is making it possible for teens to explore more openly what they've historically sampled in secret."

Donna René Hopkins, program director for New Creation Ministries in Fresno, Calif., a counseling resource for those who struggle with homosexuality, meets with sexually troubled teens. "Homosexuality is probably the prominent issue among our youth across the country today," says Donna. "Coming out has almost become a fad." Donna, who fell into lesbianism as a teen, understands firsthand the sexual pressures kids face.

"A lot of things are in flux for adolescents - especially their sexuality and how that fits into their lives. Physiologically there's a lot of confusion, struggling and questioning which is absolutely normal," adds Donna.

Unfortunately, liberal public school teachers and counselors add to the confusion, encouraging adolescents who question their sexuality to pursue and "be free" in homosexuality. That's where a Christian educator must step in, affirming students' God-given gender and leading them on a path to sexual wholeness without dishing out the condemnation students like Ron have experienced. Young people need to hear that God created a need for same-sex love, not same-sex sex, and that the union of a man and a woman represents God's design for marriage.

If you suspect a student is exhibiting homosexual tendencies, or if a student actually confides in you about sexual-identity issues, how can you respond appropriately without further alienating the student or compromising your values?

Examine Your Attitudes and Motives

Be aware of your own feelings. Tim Rymel, outreach director for Love in Action, a Memphis, Tenn., ministry addressing homosexuality, recommends you ask yourself several questions. Am I secure with my own sexuality? Am I comfortable talking about incest, masturbation, molestation, or sex in general? What is my attitude toward homosexuals? A young person needs an adult confidant who is secure with his or her own sexuality.

Do your homework. When Marjorie Paben, a health and art teacher at South Houston High in Texas, first counseled a lesbian student seven years ago, she says she "grabbed a lot of books on homosexuality and read up as much as I could."

Gather resources about homosexual issues. Check your church library or local Christian bookstore for books on the subject, or contact Christian counseling services or ex-gay ministries. Because many school counselors do not direct teens toward a healthy sexuality, it's important for you to build a referral list of biblically based counselors and services.

Realize that change is possible. Dr. Irving Bieber, a medical psychoanalyst who in 1952 began a nine-year project studying male homosexuality, concludes in the book Homosexuality: A Psychoanalytic Study¹ that "a heterosexual shift is a possibility for all homosexuals who are strongly motivated to change." Although turning from homosexuality is an arduous journey of emotional and spiritual healing, God's Word and the example of countless former gays and lesbians prove that living in heterosexual freedom is possible.

"There are lots of pieces to the puzzle that could cause someone to believe he or she is gay," says Jerry Price, a magazine designer at Focus on the Family who speaks to youth about sexuality and his own steps out of the homosexual lifestyle. "Instead of focusing on the behavior we need to look at the deeper issues involved, such as molestation or if a kid has same-sex parents. And we must love kids where they are."

Be Available to Students

Invite open communication. Are you approachable to students? Do you invite honest discussions, or do you close down communication on uncomfortable topics?

Some teachers address a classroom of kids with, "I want you to know that if you've ever thought of suicide, or been molested, or struggled with homosexuality, or had drug or alcohol problems, my door is open for you to talk." Mentioning several tough issues lets the teens know that you're willing to listen regardless of the situation.

Once a teen comes to you, be sure to listen more and talk less. Don't pry, but ask questions sensitively. Have people called you names? Does your feeling down and confused have anything to do with a sexual problem? Would you like a list of resources on how to deal with your sexual identity?

And always honor confidentiality. The last thing a troubled teen needs is further alienation and betrayal. You may want to reassure him or her with, "Thank you for confiding in me. You must be having a hard time with all this going on in your mind. I want you to know that what you shared with me stays between you and me."

While kids need to know they can trust you with their sexual concerns, encourage them to talk with their families. Though many teens who struggle with homosexuality come from broken homes, the support of a loving parent or relative may be just what he or she needs to make healthy choices.

Be aware of your verbal and nonverbal responses². A young person who trusts you may want to share details of his or her sexual struggles. Expect the unexpected and do not overreact or jump to conclusions.

"Some kids are reading your face when they talk to you", says Jim Watson³, a teacher at Dr. Phillips High in Orlando, Fla. During the past three years Jim has counseled about a dozen students dealing with homosexuality and bisexuality. "I try not to show disgust or anger but that I accept them," says Jim. "A lot of teachers may try to jump in and say, 'Are you sure?' or 'No, no; that's wrong.' I just try to listen without jumping in."

Communicate acceptance of the person, not a let-me-fix-you attitude. "If you condemn students in the least or get preachy with them," adds Jim, "they will immediately back off. Most are looking for your acceptance of them."

Also, do not panic if the young person expresses sexual feelings for you. Emotional intimacy and sex are often confused messages in a teen's mind. In reality, the student may simply desire the affirmation and attention that he or she lacks at home.

Affirm the individual. Be sure to look at the teen as a whole person, not just someone acting out sexually. Encourage each student in his masculinity or her femininity. When peers label a more effeminate young man as "sissy", or an athletically built young woman as "butch", this only mars self-images and often pushes an individual toward homosexuality. You can help undo the damage with your words and demonstrations of love - a smile, a hand on the shoulder, a validation of feelings.

When Donna René Hopkins of New Creation Ministries taught junior high for two years, she affirmed several hurting kids in their uniqueness. "I'd spend time with these kids at recess and I called them by name," shares Donna. "I'd also walk by their desks to just acknowledge them and ask how they were doing."

You do not need to be a professional therapist to help teens work through homosexual issues. Sometimes your ministry to young people may be simply to listen or to pray for them. You may feel inadequate at times, but often pointing teens toward sexual wholeness takes only a willing heart and someone to just be there. Who knows? A teen like Ron may be waiting for you to tell him about God's design for love and intimacy and what the Bible really says.